Thursday, 25 February 2016

As Usual

This morning Eleanor came through to our room as usual, got into bed as usual and had some mum-milk as usual.

This evening, we shared a bath as usual. We washed each other's hair as usual.

And these things got me thinking, how much longer will this be usual for?

As of today I'm 39 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Baby number 2 could arrive any day now. When he does, he'll get first dibs on mum-milk. How will I hold Eleanor off? I probably won't be able to bath with Eleanor for a good while, it may even be that she'll start sharing her baths with her brother instead. Will she miss our baths? And when will I wash??!

In an unspecified number of days, nothing will be as usual. Ever again.

And I know that it will eventually be replaced by a new as usual. But I don't know what that looks like yet, and it's a bit scary.

It won't be just the three of us any more.

There'll be a fourth person, one who needs so much attention. The thought that I might not be able to curl up on the sofa with Eleanor and a book, without having to tend to anyone else, makes me sad. I've already mostly relinquished bedtime stories as laying in her bed is too uncomfortable. Am I about to lose all our quiet moments together?

I'm so excited about having another baby, but at the same time I feel a strange sense of melancholy about the changes this will necessarily bring to my relationship with my first baby. No more days of hanging around, just the two of us. No more slow starts to the day with milky cuddles.

How will she cope with all the changes? How will I cope?

When will things get back to 'as usual', and what will that be?

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