Raising a
toddler often feels like a tug of war. On one hand, Toddler is
striving for independence and control; on the other, she can get
overwhelmed by too much choice or freedom. She wants to be an adult
and a baby all at once. It's my job to respect both of these urges,
no matter how stressful I find it.
Now we all
know how important clothes are in expressing who we are. So one area
where I'm trying to hand over control to Toddler is in her outfits.
Over the past few months I've experimented with how much control she
really wants at this stage. It started out fairly tentative – I'd
maybe let her choose from two tops then pick the trousers myself, for
instance. But that little scrap of power made her hungry for more,
and so I had to give her more autonomy, in varying degrees. This
requires a lot of patience – I'm not sure I'll ever forget the
morning she took 20 minutes to choose a pair of tights. She'd
pulled them all out of her drawer so I lined them all up on the side
of her cot and encouraged her; "Go on, you choose a
pair of tights and give them to Mummy."
"Choose
pair," she muttered to herself uncertainly, "choose pair."
She pulled them all off the cot and started trying to put them back
up again. "Choose pair." I took deep breaths while inwardly
screaming, "YES, CHOOSE A PAIR, IT'S NOT LIFE OR DEATH!!"
After that
incident I decided maybe it'd be best to just give her a couple of
options for each item of clothing. I started asking her if she wanted
to wear a dress or top first of all, which she has got the hang of
pretty well. I then give her a choice of two tops or dresses, then
two of the appropriate accompaniments (trousers/leggings for the
former, tights for the latter.) However, after the aforementioned
20-minutes-choosing-tights incident, Toddler is wise to the fact that
she has far more than two pairs of tights, and will pull them out of the
drawer and attempt to line them all up on the cot. So I quite like
the days when she says, "top," straight away.
Of course,
sometimes, she changes her mind partway through the process. Here's a
sample conversation:
ME: Dress or
top?
T: Dress, top.
ME: Which
would you like to wear, dress or top?
T: Top.
ME: OK. (picks
out two tops, one of which is a bit long and has frills at the
bottom) Which of these
tops would you like?
T: (grabs
longer, frilly top) Dress!
ME: Well, that's a top, but yes, you can wear that. OK, let me find
some trousers.
T: Tights!
ME:
No we wear trousers with tops, tights go with ... (notices T has already pulled out all of the tights)
... OK, would you rather wear a dress? (picks out two
dresses) Which dress would you
like?
T:
(picking up frilly top again) No!
Dress!
ME: OK, you can wear that, but you'll need trou-
T:
Tights!! (goes back to pile of tights)
ME: OK, you can wear tights with the top, now choose a pair and give
it to Mummy.
T: Choose pair ...
I think you can see where this is heading. She did eventually pick
some very bright, stripy tights to go with the delicate, pale pink,
frilly top, and I insisted she wear some shorts too to preserve her
dignity. She chose some tweedy grey ones. I thought she looked
bizarre. Off we went to playgroup, me ready with the phrase, "She
chose it herself," as a retort to any comments, but do you know
what? Everyone said she looked really nice! I seem to remember the
word 'stylish' came up at one point! As I related the battle I had
getting her to choose her outfit, one mum said, "ahh you gave
her choice, that was your first mistake!" She was only kidding
of course, and I took it that way, but do you know what? It wasn't a
mistake. I was giving my little girl a chance to express herself, to
control that part of her life, and she looked gorgeous. Because
toddlers look gorgeous whatever they wear. It's the one time in your
life where mismatching genuinely works. Yes, it takes much longer
than just picking out an outfit I like, but I've found she's much
more cooperative in getting dressed when she's had a say in the
outfit so I'm happy to avoid the tantrums and play the waiting game.
There are still times when too much choice overwhelms her, or she's
just in an awkward mood. Sometimes she will say no to every top I
pick out and eventually get bored and wander off to her toy box, at
which point I generally ask her, "Shall Toddler choose or shall
Mummy choose?" To which she invariably replies, "Mummy
choose," having tired of the whole process, and I breathe a sigh
of relief and pick out one that I like. But actually, I quite like
being able to say, "She chose it herself." I like the mad
combinations she goes for, and sometimes the words, "Mummy
choose," are a bit disappointing because then I don't get to see
what clothes she would put together. I'm sure that as she gets older,
she will become even more assertive about what she wears, and the,
"Mummy choose," moments will become few and far between.
And I can't wait for that.
Even if it means having the most uncoordinated toddler at playgroup.
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