OK. Before I get started here I want
to make something clear. I'm not an expert. I haven't read every book
going so my use of parenting terms may be a bit loose. Furthermore,
I've only been doing this motherhood thing for 26 months, with one
kid. So what follows is what gentle parenting means to me,
and is not intended as a judgement on any other way of parenting.
Heck, I don't have all the answers, so who am I to judge?
But anyway.
A few times on
this blog I've mentioned the term 'gentle parenting'. But what
actually is it?
Well, despite
it's rather woolly sounding name, it's actually rooted in an
understanding of the human brain – more specifically, a child's
brain. It's also influenced by childrearing practices that are
considered completely normal in many cultures, and were probably
considered normal in our culture once too. So before anyone dismisses
it as a fluffy, new-age fad, it's not.
For me, gentle
parenting is about asking myself three questions:
- Would I like it if someone treated me like this?
- Am I being reasonable in my expectations of my child at this stage in her development?
- Is this helping her to grow into the kind of person I want her to be?
Let's look at
these each in turn.
So, number one.
This is a rule I try my best to live by. (Note I say 'try my best'.
I'm not always successful. Too often, I'm unsuccessful. But still I
try.) I do believe that, as far as possible, you should treat others
how you wish to be treated. So it makes sense to apply it to my
relationship with Toddler. Would I like it if someone yelled at me?
No. Would I like it if someone I love ignored me when I was deeply
upset? No. So should I do those things to Toddler? No.
There is a limit
of course. I wouldn't particularly like someone changing my nappy.
And I wouldn't like someone to say no to me if I asked for icecream
for breakfast. So, of course, I'm sensible about this – if it
relates to health, hygiene or safety I may have to ignore this rule.
But most of the time I don't have to.
Number
two – here's where the science comes in. I'm not very good at
science, but one book I've found that explains child brain
development very clearly is ToddlerCalm by
Sarah Ockwell-Smith (you can read my review of this book here).
Basically, I have to continually remind myself that Toddler's brain
is very different from mine. Huge chunks of it (the empathy bit, the
logic bit, the emotional regulation bit) aren't there yet – or at
least they are still massively under-developed. The rest is a mess of
links and connections that haven't been pruned down yet. Which
explains why an innocent question about what she wants for pudding
might trigger off a 10 minute monologue quoting a dozen children's
books. She hasn't sorted the wheat from the chaff yet, mentally
speaking. So when she's reciting 'Horsey Horsey' to herself instead
of telling me which tights she wants to wear today, I have to stay
calm and repeat my mantra – "she's only two, she's only two,
she's only two ..."
So
this means that I need to fill in for the bits of her brain that
aren't working quite yet. If I ask her to tidy up but she's off in
her own little world, I may have to accept that I'm doing the tidying
for now. If she has a tantrum over something seemingly ridiculous, I
have to be the calming, consoling bit of her brain rather than
ignoring her, or worse, laughing at her. (Although I may share the
most bizarre tantrums with friends or on social media later when
she's not around. Because if I don't laugh about it, I'd probably
cry.)
Number three is
probably the most crucial question. There seems to be a bizarre
contradiction in our culture where we want our kids to be obedient
and quiet and do as they're told until they're sent out into the big
wide world where they have to be independent and assertive and think
for themselves. So as much as I can I try to remember the qualities I
want Toddler to possess when she becomes an adult.
This means I
don't make her say sorry, because I don't want her to grow up
thinking that sorry makes everything better. It often does if it's
sincere, but using the word as a 'get out of jail free' card is not
sincere. It means I think hard before I make a rule, to make sure
it's actually necessary and just me exercising my authority for the
sake of a quiet life. It means that if she does something wrong, I
take the time to explain to her why it was wrong, and hopefully will
one day help her to work out how to put it right, rather than
inflicting a punishment on her that she will remember long after
she's forgotten what she did wrong.
So that's what
gentle parenting means to me. It's essentially about treating my
daughter respectfully – like I would any adult, with the
caveat that as she isn't an adult, she'll need a little more help
while she learns and grows.
Great description, I think that's pretty much what it means to me too. Doesn't mean I'm always very good at it though!
ReplyDeleteHaha yes, I may be able to write a blog about it but that doesn't make me good at it! But I'm trying to do better and that's the important thing! I find writing things down helps to focus my mind so that I can remember what I'm aiming for in those fraught moments.
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