Thursday, 27 September 2018

I Don't Know What I'm Doing

A while ago I was talking to a friend who reads this blog and she made a comment about how it made her feel bad because I seemed like such a good parent. She meant it as a joke, but it took me by surprise a little - I've always been wary of blogs that sugar coat parenting, but never had it occurred to me that I'm a culprit too. So I thought I'd add a dose of realism to my blog.

The truth is, whatever parenting guru persona I emulate, I don't know what I'm doing. I've read the books, I've even done a course, but I still don't have a clue.

Photo by Simon Rae on Unsplash

I'm on slightly safer ground with Toddler. After all, I've done this stage before, and he's an 'easy' kid. He's not particularly loud or demanding, he entertains himself while I get on with what I need to do. I rarely have to discipline him because he's pretty easygoing, and my standards have lowered now I really understand what a toddler is and isn't capable of. The only thing that is less than ideal is his sleep, but I was prepared for a rubbish sleeper by his sister who didn't sleep through until she was three and a half. I know he will sleep through one day so I can live with it for now.

Trouble is, because he's so easy, and because I'm so shattered from both lack of sleep and from dealing with Girl Child, he's kind of left to raise himself. I don't do half the stimulating activities with him that I used to do with his sister, and our only regular groups are ones I volunteer at so he's mostly left to his own devices. I suspect this is why he's lagging in some skills - he still can't speak in sentences, he doesn't draw yet, and he can't jump. And while he is making some progress and seems mostly content, I can't shake the feeling that I'm neglecting him. But then I don't know where to start with helping him to develop, and there's that pile of laundry/washing up/paperwork to sort out. Always.

And then there's Girl Child. Six months on from her diagnosis of autism, I'm still no closer to knowing how to parent her. I find myself wondering whether any of the strategies I've read about over the years are even going to work with an autistic child. Positive discipline just feels very vague for a child who needs concretes and black and whites. She won't infer from my example what she should do - or at least, not when I'm setting a good example. Stating the boundary won't stop her from overstepping it if there's no clear consequence. I have tried logical consequences, but she doesn't always understand these or learn from them. Too often I resort to shouting - and I mean proper screaming. Which goes against everything I believe in, but I don't know how else to get through to her. And of course then she goes into panic mode so I achieve nothing anyway. It's still so unclear what of her behaviour is just six-year-old boundary testing and what is autism, so I don't know where to even start. And I'm in a constant state of stress from trying to figure it out.

So if anyone is under the illusion that I'm a wonderful parent, I'm not. I'm human, I'm learning, I'm making mistakes on a daily basis. I'm no better than you. I'm still trying, because my kids are worth it. But oh, how I wish I knew what I was doing.

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