Monday, 14 September 2020

Out With a Fizzle

My youngest, my baby, started school today. And just like that, I have two schoolchildren. My days as a mum of a pre-school-age child are over.

This is not how I saw that stage of my life ending.

I'd had lots of plans for the last Spring and Summer with my little boy. I was going to start taking him swimming, go on little adventures with him, and generally enjoy our last weeks of just the two of us. Of course, none of that happened. It's a small thing compared to how coronavirus has impacted many other people - we're fortunate that we have all stayed healthy, as have the people we know and love. But I still can't help but feel a sense of injustice over the loss of the last of my one-on-one time with my son before I have to share him with school five days a week. We have had happy times as a family, yes, but balancing the very high and very different needs of my two children has been difficult, and I can't help but feel that Boy Child has been short-changed. 

Of course, he knows no different. He doesn't really understand what has happened over the last six months, and it probably hasn't occurred to him just how much mummy-son time he's missed out on. But I know. I know what I'd planned, I know that all his lasts before this big first have been taken away. The end of his pre-school life, and the end of our time together, feels like a big anti-climax. Even starting school feels strange as I know that his 'bubble' could get closed and there's no knowing if or when that will happen. How I'll explain that to him I don't know, but it adds a layer of instability to how we can approach the next few months. And milestones like his first harvest festival, his first nativity - well, they look very unlikely right now.

Then of course, there's the looming question of what's next for me. I've been a stay at home mum for almost nine years now, and the last six months was meant to be my time to come up with a plan. But, in the words of Phoebe Buffay, now I don't even have a pla. After such a long time where my life basically revolved around my kids, I was looking forward to carving out a new path. But there's so much uncertainty now. It definitely doesn't feel like a good time to be job hunting, when so many other people have lost jobs and businesses face a challenging future. So for now I feel like I'm entering a holding position, a limbo between having at least one child to keep me busy most of the time (or all the time over lockdown) and finding a role for the future. Even the volunteering roles I had before lockdown have shrunk or disappeared so I feel like I've stumbled into being a housewife, which is not a role I planned or wanted to have!

So in general, I feel like what should have been a big moment, for both my son and me, has turned into a damp squib. No big bang of a new start, just a fizzle of uncertainty.

No comments:

Post a comment